Crush of the Week 6?

I forget what week this is...but here they are!

Luminor -  He was once the ever so talented keyboardist and backing vocalist for Cinema Bizarre. He may be gay, but that doesn't stop him from being AWESOME!

Lafee -  The extremely talented pop-star from Büsbach, Germany. She is not only gorgeous, she is a very talented artist with great songs.

Current Fear

I don't know how much more I can take. My Father has Elaine back in the house, and it makes me sick. I cannot stand to watch them and the way they act together. It breaks my heart. And with each crack in my heart, I lose more respect for my Father.

For those of you, who don't know who Elaine is, and the impact she has on my life, I'll tell you. Elaine was the woman that my Father, a married man of twenty-two years, had an affair with. What they've done together is no secret. My mother knows. I know. My sisters know. And he knows we know. He's told us himself. And he brings her in the house. To stay with us. To clean our house. To cook for us. She is a disease. The more she cleans, the dirtier the house gets. Her presence is unwanted. I hate her for what she represents. I hate her for what she did. She is slowly tearing apart the already broken family that I have. My mother has threatened that if she doesn't go, she will.

But that is an empty threat. I know my mother better than that. She won't go anywhere. My Father can, however. And that is the scariest thought that I have ever conceived. I'm so afraid that my Father will leave with her. I don't know what I'd do then. I used to think of my Father as a hero, but now, he is just the man I share half of my DNA with. I can barley bring myself to call him "Daddy".

The Next Two Days Will Be the Best Ever, Starting With Today

Today, I celebrate Nine months with Tyler. I cannot believe that it has been that long. I am forcing him to go skating, with me paying this time. Tyler is the type that will not do anything or go anywhere unless he is shelling out the cash. I hate that. Especially, since I am not the type to accept someone else's money unless it benefits the other person, as well as myself. Anyway, as I was saying, our relationship hasn't been smooth or easy. We have had our fair share of arguments, but we have always been able to work through the kinks. I have been fortunate in finding him. He is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. He is the main thing holding my life together. I don't know what I'd do without him. I love him, so much, it scares me. It scares me because I have never loved anyone as much as I love Tyler, and I am afraid that I will make a mistake and lose him forever. And I have done that before. I almost let him out of my life because I listened to the words of others, instead of my heart.

And Saturday, I am going to be walking the streets of Historic Down Town Conway, with my best friend Leon. I always have fun with my friends. I love the feeling of being free, just being a teenager. Being myself. I love feeling as though nothing can hurt me unless I let it.

And on Halloween, my favorite holiday, Leon is coming with me to Broadway at the Beach to hang out with my older sister Mina. I do not get to see her that often. She lives in the next town over, and has a life of her own. I'd like to think that Mina and I have gotten closer over the past three to four years, then we ever had in the fourteen years that I lived with her.

I was able to go and see her last night. My dad was going to see her, and I, of course wanted to tag along. Her friend, Courtney, was so shocked to find that I have grown up so much since she last saw me when I was fourteen. I tower over my older sister, who is at the age of twenty-one. She stands at four foot eleven and 3/4 inches tall, and I stand at five foot seven, I believe. I also weigh more, and have more to my torso, than she does. And I was wearing high heels, which made everything funnier. I stood up and faced her, and she was literally looking up at me. Everyone in the room couldn't contain their laughter.

I found something out that made me very happy. I was shocked to discover that my father is actually proud of me. We were at iHop getting coffee and I was talking about studying in Germany, and he was all for it. He said that he was impressed at the fact that I taught myself more German than anyone else would care to know. The German I know, I learned without a teacher or a computer software program. I simply learned the alphabet and opened a dictionary, listened to songs in the German language, and used a few good online translators. My dad was impressed with the fact that I even wrote a full length, five stanza, four lines per stanza, poem in German. And the poem is written in proper German and my message in it is clear. I have it posted on my blog. The title is "Ich brauche dich nicht". However, my dad doesn't know that the poem is about him. Anyway, I'm glad that my dad is actually proud of me for something. It makes me want to continues pursuing my quest to conquer the German language, and make a career out of what I know.

Change.

I'm slowly changing. I'm trying to go back to the way I was. Back to the times when I could play my favorite song and just escape. You know that feeling when everything around you is just blank? When everything is just numb, and you just can't bring yourself to give a fuck? That's the feeling I want back. I've decided that it's just too painful to care. When you start caring about other people's problems, they start becoming entwined with your own and they pull you down. I cannot even begin to tell about how many times that has happened.

Is forcing oneself to change considered an honest change?

I am...20% Girly.

What you have:
[] You own over 10 bottles of nail polish (they're pretty colors! l-like zydrate blue! and silver! a-and... stuff.)
[ ] You own a designer purse
[x ] You own perfume that cost over $60
[ ] You had/have fake nails (uh, I got some as a gift but never wore them. my real nails are too long.)
[ ] You have more hair products and body products than you can use
[ ] Your pet is a Chihuahua/Pomeranian/Yorkshire Terrier/Siamese/Shih Tzu/ mini anything
[ ] You have clothes/shoes/accessories for your pet
[ ] You have enough clothes to cover an entire refugee camp
[ ] You have enough pictures to create your own wallpaper
[ ] A pink comforter, carpeting, walls or sheets
Total So Far: 1
Do you:
[ ] Spend more time at the mall than you do at homework
[x] Have had a hair color that is not natural (YAY FOR SPRAY ON HAIR DYE.)
[ x] Have "blonde moments" at least once a day
[ ] Buy stuff because it's awesome and then never wear/use it
[x] Dance around in your room when nobody else is home (who doesn't?)
[ ] Have a name for your car 
[ ] Know what celebrity is dating who and who broke up this week
[ ] Refuse to go out in public without makeup 
[ ] Prefer to be called "princess"
Total So Far: 4
Do you love:
[ ] Makeup (does horror and stage makeup count?)
[ x] Glitter
[ ] The color Pink
[ ] Jewelry
[ ] Mirrors
[ ] Chick flicks
[ ] Shoes
[ ] Rainbows
[ x] Unicorns
[ ] Disney Movies (Uh, some? YAY ATLANTIS.)
[ ] Flowers
[ ] Stuffed Animals
[ ] Purses
Total So Far: 6
Do you shop at:
[ ] Coach
[ ] Forever 21
[ ] Victoria's Secret
[ ] Guess
[ ] Claire's (I did when I was ten. And I bought gothic glovelettes there.)
[ ] Express
[ ] Delia's
[ ] Hollister
[ ] American Eagle
[ ] Abercrombie Fitch
[ ] Aeropostale
Total So Far: 6
Do you say:
[ ] Whatever
[] Oh my gosh/goodness (when I'm trying not to cuss or faking surprise.)
[ ] Hun
[ ] Fugly
[ ] That's hot
[ ] Dunzo
[ ] Darling
[ ] Bff
[ ] Cutie
[ ] Hottie
[ ] Skank(y)
[ ] Totally
[ ] For Sure
[ ] Fabulous (umm... when Rachel and I are pretending to be Simon and Kylie from Beautiful People, I do.)
Total So Far: 7
Do you read:
[ ] Cosmopolitan
[ ] Glamour
[ ] Marie Claire
[ ] Elle Girl
[ ] Teen Vogue
[ ] People
[ ] Us Weekly
[ ] Star
[ ] Self
[ ] PerezHilton.com
[ ] Dlisted.com
[ ] Seventeen
[ ] people.com
[ ] usmagazine.com
[ ] popsugar.com
[ ] Pink Is The New Blog.com
Total So Far: 7
Do you love these:
[ ] Legally Blonde (SHUT UP. IT'S FUNNY.)
[ ] Elizabethtown
[ ] Mean Girls
[ ] Now & Then
[ ] The Notebook
[ ] A Walk to Remember
[ ] Sweet Home Alabama
[ ] Where the Heart is
[ ] Just my luck
[ ] John Tucker Must Die
[ ] Center stage
[ ] Bring it On
[ ] How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
[ ] Mona Lisa Smile
[ ] My Girl
[ ] Wedding Date
[ x] 10 Things I Hate About You
Total So Far: 8
Do you really enjoy:
[x ] America's Next Top Model
[ ] Project Runway
[ ] Desperate Housewives
[ ] The Simple Life
[ ] 8th & Ocean
[ ] Sex & the City
[ ] Grey's Anatomy
[ ] The O.C.
[ ] The City
[ ] Nip/Tuck
[ ] Gilmore Girls
[ x] Degrassi
Total So Far: 10
Take your total and multiply it by 2. Then repost this as "I am __% Girly." With the number you got as the percent of course. 


I'm 20% Girl!

I'm really a nice person.

No one ever believes me when I say that I am a nice person. I guess that the reason is that they only remember my temper. And my temper is wicked bad. I mean, I go all out. I scream, I yell, I kick...it's really scary. And people look at me when I'm like that and back down. And when I'm not like that, they still look at me as though I'm going to go completely ape shit on them. But I'm not like that! I'm the kind of person who will forgive and forget in a matter of moments. I don't hold grudges, I just keep a good memory of what's going on. I've never held anything against anyone. That's not right. We all make mistakes, and we shouldn't have to pay for them when we need something at a given time. Holding something over someone's head is like playing God, and that's frowned upon in most modern societies.

I'm the kind of person who will help someone out, no matter what they've done to me in the past. I put it all behind me, and I try to help them. If that person is alone, and crying, it takes me back to the days when that was me sitting all alone with no one to talk to. And that hurts, it really does. No one should have to go through that, so I do what ever I can to make sure that no one has to go through that. Even if that person was responsible for it happening to me. I hate being walked on though. I hate being used, and being the way I am, that does happen a lot.

I don't know how many times I've been what I like to call "the starter friend". It happens when you befriend someone who is new. They become your best friend and things are fine...until they develop their own associates. Then they completely forget about you and everything you've done for them. It really fucking hurts. But that's the world we live in. It's really a shame when someone is used for something as pure as friendship. It takes a lot for me to develop relationships with people. And to have someone rip it all away from me, when they get their own friends, that really hurts my psyche. It makes me paranoid that everyone else is going to do that to me. And usually I'm right. I saw this guy sitting by himself at lunch, and I invited him to sit with my friends, and he did. For a while. Then he made his own friends, and left us. I still see him from time to time and we share a hello, but that's it.

I have learned that being a nice person doesn't always pay, but it's better to be loved than feared. They say that nice guys finish last, if that's true, than I'd rather come in dead last than cheat my way to the top spot.

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

My Generation

I'm tired of listening to the idiots in this school. I wish that they'd all grow up and learn something. I wish that they'd speak proper English. They speak like monkeys and then they go ahead and yell at me for speaking German. Hmm, where's the logic in that? I want to scream every time I hear someone say, "Where you be at?" or "You ain't nuttin'". I mean honestly, was the English language really invented so that stupid idiotic morons of this generation can butcher and misuse it. Then they yell at people who are struggling to learn English, because they have an excuse to mispronounce a few words. And they can't even speak correctly, having lived here since birth! And who's fault is that? People today make me want to puke.

I'm embarrassed to even be apart of today's generation. I really am. What with the stupid smart phones and social network ran lives of today's youth? It's sickening. I swear that texting has become a whole other language in this day and age. I'm outcasted because I'm probably one of the only ones in my school who doesn't own a cell phone. I'm damn proud of that fact. I honestly do not want my life to be consumed by a device that is probably smarter than I am. But then again, a phone is only as smart as the person using it. And the people of today are pretty damn stupid. Life today is judged not by how smart one is, but by the cost of your phone. The more expensive and the higher the number of useless apps are on it, the further in life you get. Not to mention the fully grown women of today. Obsessed with Facebook and Twitter and addicted to Botox. It's sickening. People "Tweet" about everything! One man even Tweeted while he was having a heart attack! Talk about obsessed. I wish that Twitter and Facebook and MySpace would all just crash for one day, and see what happens. The world will fall apart in ruin. I'd probably be the only sane one left in the world. I hate Twitter, and I seldom update my FaceBook status. I'm like the only person who doesn't text, or own a phone. It sickens me to watch my own mother fall into today's hype. I'm thankful that my dad only uses his phone to make phone calls. Speaking of just making phone calls, when did that go out the fucking window? With all this "smart phone" technology, pretty soon they're gonna jam these new cell phones so full of useless shit, there will be no room for a call function!

Am I right, or am I right?