I actually did something that I have only done once in my whole life...I cleaned my entire room, top to bottom, by myself. I even moved the furniture, all on my own. I seriously wowed my Dad. When I stopped and looked around myself, I realized that my room being clean, signifies a change within myself. I'm changing. I'm leaving everything that used to be me, behind. I mean, I'm not completely different, it's just that I'm no longer the same person I once was. I don't want a messy room anymore. I used to go crazy if my room was cleaned. Childish things don't appeal to me anymore, either. I've seen this. The things that I used to take pleasure in doing don't make me happy anymore.
I'm scared, to be honest. I don't want to change. I want to stay the way I am. I don't think I'm ready to be a fully formed person with ideas and values and morals. I want to be a kid! I don't want this. I'm only seventeen! Make this stop! I know that I should just lay back and accept this fact of life, but I won't do it without a fucking fight! I will never be taken alive.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Daddy
I want you to say, “I’m proud.”
When I do my best.
I want you to say, “You tried.”
When I don’t.
I want you to say, “Try again.”
Whenever I fail.
I want you to say “You’re okay.”
Whenever I fall.
I want you to say, “I’ll be there.”
Whenever I need you.
I want you to say, “I promise.”
When I know you’ll keep it.
I want you to say, “Get well soon.”
Whenever I fall ill.
I want you to say, “I’m glad you are better.”
When I heal.
I want you to say, “Go for it.”
When I tell you my dreams.
I want you to say, “I’ll hold you.”
Whenever I cry.
But most of all, I want you to say, “I love you.”
When I do my best.
I want you to say, “You tried.”
When I don’t.
I want you to say, “Try again.”
Whenever I fail.
I want you to say “You’re okay.”
Whenever I fall.
I want you to say, “I’ll be there.”
Whenever I need you.
I want you to say, “I promise.”
When I know you’ll keep it.
I want you to say, “Get well soon.”
Whenever I fall ill.
I want you to say, “I’m glad you are better.”
When I heal.
I want you to say, “Go for it.”
When I tell you my dreams.
I want you to say, “I’ll hold you.”
Whenever I cry.
But most of all, I want you to say, “I
Because I do not know if you do.
I want to say, “I love you too.”
But I don’t know if I love you back.
3-23-09
By: Emily E. Smith
I want to say, “I love you too.”
But I don’t know if I love you back.
3-23-09
By: Emily E. Smith
Crush of the Week 6?
I forget what week this is...but here they are!
Luminor - He was once the ever so talented keyboardist and backing vocalist for Cinema Bizarre. He may be gay, but that doesn't stop him from being AWESOME!
Lafee - The extremely talented pop-star from Büsbach, Germany. She is not only gorgeous, she is a very talented artist with great songs.
Luminor - He was once the ever so talented keyboardist and backing vocalist for Cinema Bizarre. He may be gay, but that doesn't stop him from being AWESOME!
Lafee - The extremely talented pop-star from Büsbach, Germany. She is not only gorgeous, she is a very talented artist with great songs.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Current Fear
I don't know how much more I can take. My Father has Elaine back in the house, and it makes me sick. I cannot stand to watch them and the way they act together. It breaks my heart. And with each crack in my heart, I lose more respect for my Father.
For those of you, who don't know who Elaine is, and the impact she has on my life, I'll tell you. Elaine was the woman that my Father, a married man of twenty-two years, had an affair with. What they've done together is no secret. My mother knows. I know. My sisters know. And he knows we know. He's told us himself. And he brings her in the house. To stay with us. To clean our house. To cook for us. She is a disease. The more she cleans, the dirtier the house gets. Her presence is unwanted. I hate her for what she represents. I hate her for what she did. She is slowly tearing apart the already broken family that I have. My mother has threatened that if she doesn't go, she will.
But that is an empty threat. I know my mother better than that. She won't go anywhere. My Father can, however. And that is the scariest thought that I have ever conceived. I'm so afraid that my Father will leave with her. I don't know what I'd do then. I used to think of my Father as a hero, but now, he is just the man I share half of my DNA with. I can barley bring myself to call him "Daddy".
For those of you, who don't know who Elaine is, and the impact she has on my life, I'll tell you. Elaine was the woman that my Father, a married man of twenty-two years, had an affair with. What they've done together is no secret. My mother knows. I know. My sisters know. And he knows we know. He's told us himself. And he brings her in the house. To stay with us. To clean our house. To cook for us. She is a disease. The more she cleans, the dirtier the house gets. Her presence is unwanted. I hate her for what she represents. I hate her for what she did. She is slowly tearing apart the already broken family that I have. My mother has threatened that if she doesn't go, she will.
But that is an empty threat. I know my mother better than that. She won't go anywhere. My Father can, however. And that is the scariest thought that I have ever conceived. I'm so afraid that my Father will leave with her. I don't know what I'd do then. I used to think of my Father as a hero, but now, he is just the man I share half of my DNA with. I can barley bring myself to call him "Daddy".
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