Christianity:

The belief that some cosmic Jewish zombie can make you live forever, if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so that he will remove an evil force from your soul, that is present in humanity, all because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat fruit from a magical tree.
Makes perfect sense to me.

My best friend Leon, sent me this and I laughed so hard! I lawled so hard. Thanks Leo!

Ich liebe dich alle! :-)

Finding Myself Once Again

I hate having to keep looking for who I am. I hate losing site of myself. It's like a sick feeling in my heart and I don't know how to control it. I can't seem to find a cure for it either. I have been searching since I was a child. My search has only lead me astray. I feel a rotting in my mind, like a bleeding in brain and I don't know what to do. I want to kill away all the things that I have lost. I want to severe ties to the things I no longer feel an obligation to. I want to change every thing about my soul. I want to fix my broken and shattered life and be whole again. But no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to find a way to do that. No seems to want to help me, no matter how many times I write it on my skin. I carve the words "Hilf mir" in to my scarred flesh and write "Rette mich" on paper with the blood. I feel that if no one will read ink, they will read blood. I don't show anyone though. They have to care enough about me to look. If they don't look, then I severe myself away from them. They do not care, and I do not want to hear their lies tell me that they do. I can't stand anymore of the pain that has been forced upon me. I want to ship it all back. I want to carve it all out and hand it back, bloody in their hands. I want to tear the shards of broken soul out of my mind and drown them in my own poisoned blood. I want to feel the life of the pain that has almost taken my life, leave the depths of my inner spirit, forever. I want the search lights in my mind to polish in and take away the demons that have made my mind a haven for their evil thoughts and actions.

I just want to be me again.

I am finally happy.

I have finally found someone who makes me truly happy. I will not give his name, because I do not have his permission to do so on the internet. But I will say that when I am with him, time stands still for a while and I am no longer on this planet. I feel as though my heart is floating on clouds when he touches my skin. When we are apart, time cannot seem to move fast enough. The only thing I have to last me through the week are thoughts of him. I carry his picture deep in me. I clutch his hoodie tight when I am distraught and that seems to help. I cannot see myself living without him. It has only been three weeks, but to us, it feels like so much longer! We can't describe it. He told me that he had a dream, about a year ago, about me, sitting on his couch with him. A year ago, I had no idea of his existence. I recall thinking to myself, "What could that mean?" and as I kept think about it, I realized that, maybe he saw me coming.

The more that I think about the relationship I share with this individual, the more I wonder, "Is this going to last longer than a month?". To me, I think it will. It all depends on him, I guess. The hardest part of our relationship is the restraint I must use in order to not say "I love you." because when I am the one to say it first, the relationship becomes cursed. I am always the one to say it first and when I did, the relationship failed. The last time, the guy struck me when I said that I hated him and that I was no longer in love with him. He said, "You bitch! You lied to me! You said that you fucking loved me, does that mean nothing to you?! Why are you such a cold hearted bitch? You're a whore." And then, he hit me. From then on, I vowed not to say it first. I am dead-set determined not to say it. I hope he understands and I hope he can say it soon. I do not know how much longer I can keep restraint.

I am going to use his favorite color now. He has told me that all of the friends who have met me are saying that I am the "best thing that ever happened to him". I do not know how to take this. I think that I will allow my heart, not my mind, digest this bit of news. I will have to observe my emotions for a while, just to make sure that what I am feeling is real. I will end this post with a quote from one of my favorite Cinema Bizarre songs, may they rest in peace.

I was betrayed. There is no faith. An open sore. I'm in too deep. I can't believe anymore. When you take whats left of me. Reanimate, my trust in faith. Angel in disguise, you save my soul, but you make my heart go blind. My devil's raged inside, just can't let go. 'Cause it feels so right. You make my heart go blind.

Angel in Disguise by Cinema Bizarre.

Okay so...

Currently listening to..."In Die Nacht" by Tokio Hotel.

Current Location: School Library

Current time: Around 10:42 a.m

I just really need to blog about what I am going through. I know that no one is going to read this, and I don't care. I just need to vent.

Okay...So...this morning, I woke up. Nothing unusual there. Our "roommate" started bitching at me because I was scolding my sister for being a little bitch. She took my sister's side. That cunt. I fucking hate our roommate. She's not my mother! All she is to me a home-wrecker. My "father" had an affair with this woman, and she is allowed to live in my home. My mother is not fucking dead! She is still living in my house. And as I understand, she is the one wearing my "father's" ring. Not that bitch. She has no right to tell me what to fucking do! I am seventeen fucking years old. I can make my own goddamn decisions, thank you very fucking much. The only thing good about that thing living in my house is, she cooks and she cleans. I come home to do chores, and find that there are none for me to do! All I really have to do is keep my room in order, which she cleaned.

I actually have an issue with the fact that she cleaned my room. Not the cleaning part. The part where she went through and saw all my things! My property! The things I have worked to own or have begged my "father" to get for me. I come home one day and go in my room, and it's fucking SPOTLESS! That woman is a clean freak. She got all the laundry done like that!


And anyway...I don't have much else to say. Other than I blew about three bucks on color printed pictures. I printed out...Bill Kaulitz, Tokio Hotel from their Schrei days, Gustav Schaefer, Shin from Cinema Bizarre, Georg Listing, LaFee, a group shot of Cinema Bizarre with Luminor, Killerpilze, a picture of Shin and Kiro both, Luminor by himself, and the album art from Schrei.


End post.

Currently Listening To: The Balloon Song by Manzini
Current Time: 10:57
Going to do next: Not sure. I might just go read on Fanfiction.net my name there is XRetteXMichX

Bye! Thanks for whatever. Whoever reads, you are one brave soul, or you must be hella bored! :-)