I don't know what life is anymore...

I've been lied to. Spat on. Kicked. Shoved. Insulted. Battered. Bruised. Broken. Shattered.

I can go on and on. I can't be the person I'm told to be. Does that mean I'm weak? I cannot comply with the demands that I am given. I cannot do the things that I am told to do. I cannot give myself 100% to anyone, in anything I do. I'm useless. I'm just a wasted scrap of human life who has no excuse to live anymore...So, why do I stay here? Why do I keep putting myself through a constant hell every single day of my life?

Because...

With everyday that I spend here, in this life, I get stronger. I'm growing into a different person. A person who doesn't want to run and hide from everyone and everything anymore. I can be myself...I can be the person that I've wanted to be all along. . .

And it's all because of one person.

Aaron Thomas:

Thank you for saving my life. You pulled me out of the way, just in time...

So, everything's good now, right?

My life is finally back in order...in a way, I guess. Things aren't as stressful, and I'm doing better in my relationships. So, everything should be good now, right?

WRONG!

I've learned from the past to never settle my thoughts in comfort. I always get hurt, or things change so suddenly, my mind goes bonkers. I'm confidiant in my choices. I know that I am right when I think this. It shouldn't be a big deal...

So, then why do so many people tell me I'm wrong, when they themselves have never gone through what I've gone through? What gives them the right to tell me what I know?

I drive myself nuts with the craziest thoughts...

Forget What I Just Posted...

I have more news. Well...not news, persay. Just a rant. Another rant by a pyscho loon. Seeing as I can't use tumblr here at school, I've to use Blogger...

Anyway...the rant. Why can't the school allow us to use certain sites? What's wrong with Facebook, or Twitter, or MySpace? Yeah, I understand about porn sites and all that, some people are idiots like that...but what's wrong with YouTube and Mibba? Nothing! They are sites that people use everyday to communicate with the outter world. And the school takes that away from us, all the time. Everyday. I mean, what are we supposed to do when we have a research project due, and all the sites with the information is blocked? And the school is the only place that we have internet access? Well? What are we supposed to do? Fail it? I'm guessing that that's what the school wants us to do.

Anyhow...That's just part one of my little rant.

I also wanted to rant about labels. Yeah, that's right, labels. Not soup can labels, or food labels. I mean the labels that other people stamp on other people. It's barbaric. And idiotic, and not to mention RUDE! I know what it's like to be called another name and have it stick. I was called "emo" for years, and that shit was hard to shake! I've always believed that labels were for material things, not people. And I've been told that it's not "labelling" it's simply observing and commenting. I'm sorry, but calling a girl who's wearing a short skirt and tank-top a slut, isn't just observing and commenting. It's plain mean. They don't even factor in what's going on, just what she's wearing and how she looks in it. It could be hot out, her work uniform, the only thing she had left in her closet, it could be a number of things! But they choose to call her a slut and write her off that way. It's horrible the way that shit works. It hurts me to see things like that happen to everyday people. Why can't labels remain in label makers and be used for labelling a shelf?

C'mon people, stop the idiotic behavior. Seriously, don't judge a person and write them off before you get to know them. It's just bad manners.

Anyhow...I know that this rant was probably not worth reading...but it's up and it's here to stay. Got it?

I'm Tumblin' Now.

Well, guys...this may be my last post, seeing as I'm on tumblr now. 

www.strangexblasphemy.tumblr.com

I'm not, I repeat am not going to delete my blog here. I've worked too damn long and fuckin' hard to piss away all of my thoughts on a whim. It took effort to think up all those! 

I will still be using this site to rant and rave while I am at school, but that is it. I'd use tumblr, but that's blocked at my school. I know that you guys may or may not miss me, but this is how it is now. I don't want to change that. So, please...do not forget me...keep reading my thoughts, and come see me on tumblr! I hope that I am as good there I as I was here. 

Thank you all for taking the time to read my blog, I wish you all the best. 

So long and Good - Night,

Lizzie.

Wow! I'm a real person!

I actually did something that I have only done once in my whole life...I cleaned my entire room, top to bottom, by myself. I even moved the furniture, all on my own. I seriously wowed my Dad. When I stopped and looked around myself, I realized that my room being clean, signifies a change within myself. I'm changing. I'm leaving everything that used to be me, behind. I mean, I'm not completely different, it's just that I'm no longer the same person I once was. I don't want a messy room anymore. I used to go crazy if my room was cleaned. Childish things don't appeal to me anymore, either. I've seen this. The things that I used to take pleasure in doing don't make me happy anymore.

I'm scared, to be honest. I don't want to change. I want to stay the way I am. I don't think I'm ready to be a fully formed person with ideas and values and morals. I want to be a kid! I don't want this. I'm only seventeen! Make this stop! I know that I should just lay back and accept this fact of life, but I won't do it without a fucking fight! I will never be taken alive.

Daddy

I want you to say, “I’m proud.”
When I do my best.
I want you to say, “You tried.”
When I don’t.

I want you to say, “Try again.”
Whenever I fail.
I want you to say “You’re okay.”
Whenever I fall.

I want you to say, “I’ll be there.”
Whenever I need you.
I want you to say, “I promise.”
When I know you’ll keep it.

I want you to say, “Get well soon.”
Whenever I fall ill.
I want you to say, “I’m glad you are better.”
When I heal.

I want you to say, “Go for it.”
When I tell you my dreams.
I want you to say, “I’ll hold you.”
Whenever I cry.

But most of all, I want you to say, “I love you.”

Because I do not know if you do.
I want to say, “I love you too.”
But I don’t know if I love you back.

3-23-09
By: Emily E. Smith

Crush of the Week 6?

I forget what week this is...but here they are!

Luminor -  He was once the ever so talented keyboardist and backing vocalist for Cinema Bizarre. He may be gay, but that doesn't stop him from being AWESOME!

Lafee -  The extremely talented pop-star from Büsbach, Germany. She is not only gorgeous, she is a very talented artist with great songs.

Current Fear

I don't know how much more I can take. My Father has Elaine back in the house, and it makes me sick. I cannot stand to watch them and the way they act together. It breaks my heart. And with each crack in my heart, I lose more respect for my Father.

For those of you, who don't know who Elaine is, and the impact she has on my life, I'll tell you. Elaine was the woman that my Father, a married man of twenty-two years, had an affair with. What they've done together is no secret. My mother knows. I know. My sisters know. And he knows we know. He's told us himself. And he brings her in the house. To stay with us. To clean our house. To cook for us. She is a disease. The more she cleans, the dirtier the house gets. Her presence is unwanted. I hate her for what she represents. I hate her for what she did. She is slowly tearing apart the already broken family that I have. My mother has threatened that if she doesn't go, she will.

But that is an empty threat. I know my mother better than that. She won't go anywhere. My Father can, however. And that is the scariest thought that I have ever conceived. I'm so afraid that my Father will leave with her. I don't know what I'd do then. I used to think of my Father as a hero, but now, he is just the man I share half of my DNA with. I can barley bring myself to call him "Daddy".

The Next Two Days Will Be the Best Ever, Starting With Today

Today, I celebrate Nine months with Tyler. I cannot believe that it has been that long. I am forcing him to go skating, with me paying this time. Tyler is the type that will not do anything or go anywhere unless he is shelling out the cash. I hate that. Especially, since I am not the type to accept someone else's money unless it benefits the other person, as well as myself. Anyway, as I was saying, our relationship hasn't been smooth or easy. We have had our fair share of arguments, but we have always been able to work through the kinks. I have been fortunate in finding him. He is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. He is the main thing holding my life together. I don't know what I'd do without him. I love him, so much, it scares me. It scares me because I have never loved anyone as much as I love Tyler, and I am afraid that I will make a mistake and lose him forever. And I have done that before. I almost let him out of my life because I listened to the words of others, instead of my heart.

And Saturday, I am going to be walking the streets of Historic Down Town Conway, with my best friend Leon. I always have fun with my friends. I love the feeling of being free, just being a teenager. Being myself. I love feeling as though nothing can hurt me unless I let it.

And on Halloween, my favorite holiday, Leon is coming with me to Broadway at the Beach to hang out with my older sister Mina. I do not get to see her that often. She lives in the next town over, and has a life of her own. I'd like to think that Mina and I have gotten closer over the past three to four years, then we ever had in the fourteen years that I lived with her.

I was able to go and see her last night. My dad was going to see her, and I, of course wanted to tag along. Her friend, Courtney, was so shocked to find that I have grown up so much since she last saw me when I was fourteen. I tower over my older sister, who is at the age of twenty-one. She stands at four foot eleven and 3/4 inches tall, and I stand at five foot seven, I believe. I also weigh more, and have more to my torso, than she does. And I was wearing high heels, which made everything funnier. I stood up and faced her, and she was literally looking up at me. Everyone in the room couldn't contain their laughter.

I found something out that made me very happy. I was shocked to discover that my father is actually proud of me. We were at iHop getting coffee and I was talking about studying in Germany, and he was all for it. He said that he was impressed at the fact that I taught myself more German than anyone else would care to know. The German I know, I learned without a teacher or a computer software program. I simply learned the alphabet and opened a dictionary, listened to songs in the German language, and used a few good online translators. My dad was impressed with the fact that I even wrote a full length, five stanza, four lines per stanza, poem in German. And the poem is written in proper German and my message in it is clear. I have it posted on my blog. The title is "Ich brauche dich nicht". However, my dad doesn't know that the poem is about him. Anyway, I'm glad that my dad is actually proud of me for something. It makes me want to continues pursuing my quest to conquer the German language, and make a career out of what I know.

Change.

I'm slowly changing. I'm trying to go back to the way I was. Back to the times when I could play my favorite song and just escape. You know that feeling when everything around you is just blank? When everything is just numb, and you just can't bring yourself to give a fuck? That's the feeling I want back. I've decided that it's just too painful to care. When you start caring about other people's problems, they start becoming entwined with your own and they pull you down. I cannot even begin to tell about how many times that has happened.

Is forcing oneself to change considered an honest change?

I am...20% Girly.

What you have:
[] You own over 10 bottles of nail polish (they're pretty colors! l-like zydrate blue! and silver! a-and... stuff.)
[ ] You own a designer purse
[x ] You own perfume that cost over $60
[ ] You had/have fake nails (uh, I got some as a gift but never wore them. my real nails are too long.)
[ ] You have more hair products and body products than you can use
[ ] Your pet is a Chihuahua/Pomeranian/Yorkshire Terrier/Siamese/Shih Tzu/ mini anything
[ ] You have clothes/shoes/accessories for your pet
[ ] You have enough clothes to cover an entire refugee camp
[ ] You have enough pictures to create your own wallpaper
[ ] A pink comforter, carpeting, walls or sheets
Total So Far: 1
Do you:
[ ] Spend more time at the mall than you do at homework
[x] Have had a hair color that is not natural (YAY FOR SPRAY ON HAIR DYE.)
[ x] Have "blonde moments" at least once a day
[ ] Buy stuff because it's awesome and then never wear/use it
[x] Dance around in your room when nobody else is home (who doesn't?)
[ ] Have a name for your car 
[ ] Know what celebrity is dating who and who broke up this week
[ ] Refuse to go out in public without makeup 
[ ] Prefer to be called "princess"
Total So Far: 4
Do you love:
[ ] Makeup (does horror and stage makeup count?)
[ x] Glitter
[ ] The color Pink
[ ] Jewelry
[ ] Mirrors
[ ] Chick flicks
[ ] Shoes
[ ] Rainbows
[ x] Unicorns
[ ] Disney Movies (Uh, some? YAY ATLANTIS.)
[ ] Flowers
[ ] Stuffed Animals
[ ] Purses
Total So Far: 6
Do you shop at:
[ ] Coach
[ ] Forever 21
[ ] Victoria's Secret
[ ] Guess
[ ] Claire's (I did when I was ten. And I bought gothic glovelettes there.)
[ ] Express
[ ] Delia's
[ ] Hollister
[ ] American Eagle
[ ] Abercrombie Fitch
[ ] Aeropostale
Total So Far: 6
Do you say:
[ ] Whatever
[] Oh my gosh/goodness (when I'm trying not to cuss or faking surprise.)
[ ] Hun
[ ] Fugly
[ ] That's hot
[ ] Dunzo
[ ] Darling
[ ] Bff
[ ] Cutie
[ ] Hottie
[ ] Skank(y)
[ ] Totally
[ ] For Sure
[ ] Fabulous (umm... when Rachel and I are pretending to be Simon and Kylie from Beautiful People, I do.)
Total So Far: 7
Do you read:
[ ] Cosmopolitan
[ ] Glamour
[ ] Marie Claire
[ ] Elle Girl
[ ] Teen Vogue
[ ] People
[ ] Us Weekly
[ ] Star
[ ] Self
[ ] PerezHilton.com
[ ] Dlisted.com
[ ] Seventeen
[ ] people.com
[ ] usmagazine.com
[ ] popsugar.com
[ ] Pink Is The New Blog.com
Total So Far: 7
Do you love these:
[ ] Legally Blonde (SHUT UP. IT'S FUNNY.)
[ ] Elizabethtown
[ ] Mean Girls
[ ] Now & Then
[ ] The Notebook
[ ] A Walk to Remember
[ ] Sweet Home Alabama
[ ] Where the Heart is
[ ] Just my luck
[ ] John Tucker Must Die
[ ] Center stage
[ ] Bring it On
[ ] How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
[ ] Mona Lisa Smile
[ ] My Girl
[ ] Wedding Date
[ x] 10 Things I Hate About You
Total So Far: 8
Do you really enjoy:
[x ] America's Next Top Model
[ ] Project Runway
[ ] Desperate Housewives
[ ] The Simple Life
[ ] 8th & Ocean
[ ] Sex & the City
[ ] Grey's Anatomy
[ ] The O.C.
[ ] The City
[ ] Nip/Tuck
[ ] Gilmore Girls
[ x] Degrassi
Total So Far: 10
Take your total and multiply it by 2. Then repost this as "I am __% Girly." With the number you got as the percent of course. 


I'm 20% Girl!

I'm really a nice person.

No one ever believes me when I say that I am a nice person. I guess that the reason is that they only remember my temper. And my temper is wicked bad. I mean, I go all out. I scream, I yell, I kick...it's really scary. And people look at me when I'm like that and back down. And when I'm not like that, they still look at me as though I'm going to go completely ape shit on them. But I'm not like that! I'm the kind of person who will forgive and forget in a matter of moments. I don't hold grudges, I just keep a good memory of what's going on. I've never held anything against anyone. That's not right. We all make mistakes, and we shouldn't have to pay for them when we need something at a given time. Holding something over someone's head is like playing God, and that's frowned upon in most modern societies.

I'm the kind of person who will help someone out, no matter what they've done to me in the past. I put it all behind me, and I try to help them. If that person is alone, and crying, it takes me back to the days when that was me sitting all alone with no one to talk to. And that hurts, it really does. No one should have to go through that, so I do what ever I can to make sure that no one has to go through that. Even if that person was responsible for it happening to me. I hate being walked on though. I hate being used, and being the way I am, that does happen a lot.

I don't know how many times I've been what I like to call "the starter friend". It happens when you befriend someone who is new. They become your best friend and things are fine...until they develop their own associates. Then they completely forget about you and everything you've done for them. It really fucking hurts. But that's the world we live in. It's really a shame when someone is used for something as pure as friendship. It takes a lot for me to develop relationships with people. And to have someone rip it all away from me, when they get their own friends, that really hurts my psyche. It makes me paranoid that everyone else is going to do that to me. And usually I'm right. I saw this guy sitting by himself at lunch, and I invited him to sit with my friends, and he did. For a while. Then he made his own friends, and left us. I still see him from time to time and we share a hello, but that's it.

I have learned that being a nice person doesn't always pay, but it's better to be loved than feared. They say that nice guys finish last, if that's true, than I'd rather come in dead last than cheat my way to the top spot.

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

My Generation

I'm tired of listening to the idiots in this school. I wish that they'd all grow up and learn something. I wish that they'd speak proper English. They speak like monkeys and then they go ahead and yell at me for speaking German. Hmm, where's the logic in that? I want to scream every time I hear someone say, "Where you be at?" or "You ain't nuttin'". I mean honestly, was the English language really invented so that stupid idiotic morons of this generation can butcher and misuse it. Then they yell at people who are struggling to learn English, because they have an excuse to mispronounce a few words. And they can't even speak correctly, having lived here since birth! And who's fault is that? People today make me want to puke.

I'm embarrassed to even be apart of today's generation. I really am. What with the stupid smart phones and social network ran lives of today's youth? It's sickening. I swear that texting has become a whole other language in this day and age. I'm outcasted because I'm probably one of the only ones in my school who doesn't own a cell phone. I'm damn proud of that fact. I honestly do not want my life to be consumed by a device that is probably smarter than I am. But then again, a phone is only as smart as the person using it. And the people of today are pretty damn stupid. Life today is judged not by how smart one is, but by the cost of your phone. The more expensive and the higher the number of useless apps are on it, the further in life you get. Not to mention the fully grown women of today. Obsessed with Facebook and Twitter and addicted to Botox. It's sickening. People "Tweet" about everything! One man even Tweeted while he was having a heart attack! Talk about obsessed. I wish that Twitter and Facebook and MySpace would all just crash for one day, and see what happens. The world will fall apart in ruin. I'd probably be the only sane one left in the world. I hate Twitter, and I seldom update my FaceBook status. I'm like the only person who doesn't text, or own a phone. It sickens me to watch my own mother fall into today's hype. I'm thankful that my dad only uses his phone to make phone calls. Speaking of just making phone calls, when did that go out the fucking window? With all this "smart phone" technology, pretty soon they're gonna jam these new cell phones so full of useless shit, there will be no room for a call function!

Am I right, or am I right?

Stand Tall and Live Free

I stand tall and proud. I stand alone. I am fighting my way through this life. I break my back everyday over bullshit that won't even matter in twenty years. But in this moment in time, it is the most important thing in the world. Whether it's making weekend plans to see friends, or the asshole who fucked with me in class today. It matters for the moment. People don't seem to understand that, adults don't seem to understand that. Teenagers today aren't living for the sake of twenty years from now. No! They are living for twenty minutes from now. For the moment. For the sake of staying young. We don't want to grow up and become like them. We are tired of hearing about jobs and careers at the age of sixteen. We want to live for the moment and be apart of this wicked web we weave called life. We make it. We wove it. It was given to us, against our will and we want to be the ones who make it into something. It is our choice to do what ever it is that we do. No one can change us. No one can force us to make a change, we are who we set out to be. And we will become what we want. No one can take that right from us. Though I have seen it attempted. I witness kids my age forced into the job force at the age of twelve. They are not allowed to experience their own mistakes. So, for those who are free. Free to live the way you want, live a little more each day for the ones who can't. For those who cannot take what is theirs to begin with. For those with no life left in their young age, live for them. Be free, and keep what is yours, yours. Live for the moment, and the moment is yours! Stand up and fight for what you want, and never back down. Never give in. And always stand tall. Your day will come, but today is yours, and you must fight to keep it.

Crush of the Week #5

Here I am. Posting another meaningless blog...thingy.

Crush # 1

Ashley Purdy. He's the awesome bassist for Black Veil Brides. I do not know that much about him, however. I always respect a man with a bass.

Crush # 2

Yolandi Visser. She is the female vocalist from the South African hip-hop group, Die Antwoord. She is really pretty, and has a great voice. Check out "Enter the Ninja" on Youtube! Die Antwoord is redefining the world of hip-hop and are doing a great job at it.

Sick of trying...sick of dying.

I'm tired of never being allowed to be who I am. I want to shine. I want to breathe. I want for people to see me for who I am, not how I dress. But in this fucking world, that is too much to ask.

I'm sorry for not blogging for a while. It's been a tough few months. I've gone through a lot, but I'm back...And I'm fucking sick. Yeah...I've had this wicked bad debilitating cough, and it's starting to scare my teacher...

Crush's Of The Week #4

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that I haven't posted a whole lot of these thingys, but I say it's week 4, so that's what it will be!

Pressing on...

Jack E. Strify: He cool, he's talented, and he fails at blogging. I wish that he and the rest of Cinema Bizarre would suck it all up and be a band again.

Kerli: She's beautiful, talented, and Estonian. Her music is sensational and addictive. And I believe that she is so much better than Gaga.

Another chance at true love with the same person

I'm so scared. I don't want to fuck this up...again. I want to stay with him, for much longer. I love him. I was so scared yesterday, when I logged in and he had sent me a message saying that this was a waste of time for both of us. I almost cried. Because I love him so FUCKING much. He's my one, my only. And I love him everyday. I think about him when I have nothing else to think about. I love him when I am sleeping, he is in my dreams. I am happy to hold him close to me once more at the end of the week. And I really love him. I can never stop saying that. I do. I fucking love him. And I am happy that he is giving me another chance.

Mini Pancakes and Juice

Wow. Today, is going to be a good day. The pancakes that the school has given us told me so. I mean, who gives someone pancakes and expects them to have a bad day? I mean really! It just seems like good logic. And anyway...I went job hunting yesterday. My feet were fucking screaming at me. And it really fucking sucked. And right when I walked in the door, I was forced to do chores!

I'm so fucking tired, like no lie. And I have lost access to my Ning. I made one for the German Band, Die Killerpilze, but now it's gone. :-(

I got my bestest friend ever to like, blog! His name is Leon, and he is cool. Lizz, I command that you add him at once. If you want a laugh, you must.

Anyway, I am very bored with my life. Maybe when I go job-hunting today, I will not be bored. I am hoping to get a job.


Fuck this shit, I am fucking tired of having people make fun of me for stupid ass shit. I am wearing high fucking heals today. I was getting a fucking drink of water, and a seeing as the water fountain is set lower than every other one in the fucking school.

Well, I don't really know what I am to blog about anymore. I love Blogger! I really do. I am just so drained out. I have 13 notebooks. Thirteen beautiful notebooks, and I haven't written in a single one! I am seriously blocked off at the head.

Anyway, I am starting to fall for Black Veil Brides. I will know for sure when I listen to a few more songs. I am so happy that it is the last day of the first week of school. I really am. I miss Tyler to bits and pieces. It has been a fucking week since I last saw my Tyler. I wanna see him! Anyway, I hope that my mom doesn't get peeved off at me for getting suspended off the bus...I was DEFENDING MY SISTER! And I would have gotten in trouble if I had gone home with out Ruth. Anyway, I hate to cut this shit short, but I have to.

How are you Lizz?

Stealing Lizz's Idea...

Sorry Lizz, but you gave me such a great idea. I want to show off the most... FUCKED UP pictures. The funny ones. Ones that make me laugh. . . And the guys who I really like...-grumbles- even if they are from Germany and I don't have a chance in Hell....

FP#1:

This cat here hate SUSHI! Look at that. When I saw this, I couldn't help but laugh, I forget whose blog I snagged it from, but that you sir for the laugh!



HG#1:


















Romeo Nightingale.

I didn't think it would happen, I mean, I never like him! But I guess that all things change.

HG#2:

















Georg Listing! Of course I have to put him up! Really now...I had to.

Don't shoot me Lizz!

I have always believed in live and let live. Always. And that's how I plan on living my life to that standard this year. I'm not going to be that scary ass fucking bitch that I was last year. If anyone has a problem with me, I will let it go. That's not to say that if it gets any worse, that I won't do what it takes to defend myself. But I will only resort to that when it becomes necessary.

But anyway... I have had the best summer ever. I have been the happiest that I have never been. I love Tyler to death. Saturday will mark our seven month anniversary.

2013?! No fucking way am I graduating then!

Life isn't fair. It isn't meant to be fair. But can't I just get cut some slack? I am about to drop out and get my G.E.D. I am not going to graduate at the same time my sister does! No way! Not going to happen! In 2013, when they say I'll be graduating, I'll be19! Tyler will have left me long behind. I just know he will. The only choice I really have is to get my G.E.D or attend night school. It's either or. I can't graduate at 19. I will be thought of a a retard or something. And I can't help but cry about this. I know that there is no sense in crying over my own stupid mistakes. I did this to myself. I'm to blame. I am going to try to work with my counselors this year and see if I can't get caught up, and maybe I'll graduate next year. All I have to do is focus in GEP. I can do this stupid shit. Though I wouldn't have to if I had done what I was supposed to last year and the year before.

Those Stupid Bible Pushing Pricks.

Tell me? What is so wrong with going to Sonic, with my boyfriend, his best friend and his girlfriend?

See, I went out last night, and ended up holding Tyler and Chaka back, being in tears, and getting BANNED from Sonic! And it's all over some Jesus fucking rednecks who started with me. The cops got involved...and Tyler got searched, and I was thrown in to a panic.

I'm never going out again.

Safely In His Arms

I don't know where I'd rather be than with Tyler. I've been staying with him over this Summer, and honestly...I think that I am even more in love with him than I ever was. He is under this stupid assumption that I will grow tired of him. What the fuck is he thinking?

This Summer is going by with out a hitch. I'm surrounded with people I actually give a few damns about, and I'm with someone I love more than I can even love myself.

Where else should I be?

Lizz, darling. Are you still reading my blog? I am so sorry that I haven't read yours in such a long time. I will get on that as soon as I can.

Scheisse! I've been gone for a while!

I'm sorry for not being online to blog recently. I have been...out of town. My summer is off to a pleasing start. I get to see my boyfriend everyday when I wake up...I get treated like an actual person...and...I don't have to argue with my father about anything. And that's great. I've only been home twice. I'm at home right now, actually. For father's day. Anyway...I'm going to keep this short and sweet.

And Lizz, I'm going to read what I've missed, okay?

I love my friends...but when can I have some me time?

Gah! I am sorry, but my best friend, Amber, is just getting to be a bit...overbaring. I love her to death, but when is it enough? This weekend, I had Tyler over. And Amber kind of...invited herself over to stay. It was fine the first night. My mom and me didn't mind, nor did Tyler. But the second night? My mom said no. Did she listen? No. She stayed anyway.

I was also worked like a fucking dog, all weekend. My mom laid on the couch and directed me to clean this and clean that. I couldn't even sit down for more than FIVE MINUTES WITH MY BOYFRIEND! Once I had, she made me jump up and clean something else. And when I snapped at Amber, she turned to Tyler and said "Well DAMN!" Tyler just looked at her and said, "Don't you see it? She's being worked, she can't even sit down!"

Anyway...saw Splice with Tyler and our other friend, who goes by Chocka. It. Was. AWESOME! Hands down, the best movie I've seen since Tim Buton's Alice and Wonderland.

FREIHEIT! - FREEDOM!

In a few minutes, I will be free for the Summer. YAY! I can't wait. Right now, I am listening to Eminem, (Don't shoot me, he rocks) and waiting for lunch. I'm fucking hungry! I don't know what I'm going to do once it's all over. The last time I got really excited about the end of school, I got searched for DRUGS!

I could explain...but I don't want to. :-D

DER LETZTE TAG!!!

I am proud to say that I am sitting in my last class of the year! Second Block, Learning Strategies. In about an hour, I will be FREEEE! I want to get out of here so bad! You know? I can almost taste the freedom!

My summer seems to be all planned out. Tyler's house the whole way, I guess. :-D I feel like the luckiest little bitch alive!

Gasping...

Have you ever ran a mile, and be out of breath at the end of it. Like, no matter how hard you try to breathe, your lungs won't accept air? I feel like that every fucking day of my life. I don't know what to do about this fucking life. I hate how I have to be. I want to break free, and if I do...maybe I can stop gasping for air.

What the fuck can I do?


By the way, I don't know when I can post again. I might try on Friday. School's out then! Yay.

Lizzie, are you doing okay?

Everyone keeps on fucking asking me that same goddamn question. I hate how I have to repeat myself, everyday. I don't understand why people want me to be so fucking happy. I fucking hate how I can't pull a fucking sad face every now and a-fucking-gain. I'm sick of masking who I am for the sake of others. I want to be who I am, and not the image that everyone else wants. I am not who they think I am. I am the one who can turn like a fucking Pitt Bull in one second's notice. I fucking hate how I have to lie to every-fucking-body around. I'm fucking tired of wearing the stupid clothes that are given to me.

I want to be who I am.

I don't know who that is right now, but I am looking to find out.

Ich bin sehr unglücklich mit mein leben.

I am very unhappy with the way my life is heading. For the most part, anyway. I can't seem to stay in tune with my surroundings. I fear that with all of the people that I have met, and that I have grown so attched to, I will wind up hurting someone in some way. And that's a scary thing! I hate thinking that way, but it's just a simple fact of life. Fears are common, no matter what I do, and where I go. I want to go to Germany. I want to go there and never look back at the ones who have hurt me. And in an earlier post, I stated that when I leave, I'm not going to see my Father again. I meant that I will never visit him, and I don't want him to visit me. That's the bottom line. I don't want anything to do with the man who makes me so unhappy with my life. He has got me stuck in a fantasy world. Every day, I am escaping to another world, just to free myself from what he has to say. And in my little fantasy world, he doesn't exist. He never did.

I guess that I need to listen to Cinema Bizarre's "Forever Or Never" and "Escape to the Stars" more often. Those are the two songs in my life that are really making an effort to help me change. I know that I can. I just have to believe, and I won't fail. But if I don't, then I will know that I tried.

Does that make any sense? Or am I being a whiney bitch.

Staying True.

I've been thinking a lot lately. About myself. I've been wondering where I am going, where I'm headed in this disaster of a life that I've been thrown into, head first. My dad is pulling me one way, and my friends are pulling me the other way, and my heart doesn't know which way to go.

My dad has this vision of me. A normal little girl, who wears pink and preppy, a girl who uses English, and a girl who is obedient to him. But I can't do that! I can't fit his image, I have never wanted to, and I never will. I just can't do it. I love the way I am, and I intend on leaving him as soon as I can. Once I have finished High School, I'm gone. I just hope he comes to his senses before I board that plane. Because if he hasn't, and I get on that plane, I'm never looking back. He won't have me in his life to disappoint him any longer.

My friends love me the way I am, or at least I hope they do. But, I have no problem detaching myself from them at any point. It sucks though. I actually attached feelings to some of these people. I hate it when I do that stupid shit. It makes leaving so much more difficult. And it makes staying so much easier, even if you don't want to stay.

I dunno...

I can't wait until Friday! Because it's not just the weekend. It's the beginning of the weekend. School's out! YAY! I can't wait. But I will miss my friends. Though I'm sure that I'll run into someone at some point. It's a pretty small town...you know? Anyway...I can't wait.

I just wish that I could leave the state like I did last year. I want to go to Cali. I also would love to leave the country. But, the closest I'll come to Germany is standing ankle deep in the ocean.

Awesome Weekend.

Okay, so the weekend is drawing to an abrupt stop, and I must say, I am rather upset about that. I don't want the time of my life to be over so soon. I got to spend time with Tyler,and Timmy. I was upset that I had to leave, but I was so elated to find that Tyler was coming with me to stay. For a night. And when I got home, my best friend Amber, who has given me her permission to use her name on this blog, was here, at my house! And I was so unbelievably happy! And she got to stay the night with me too!

We had so much fun. I moved my mattress out into the living room, and we all stayed out there. And Amber kept trying to rape me! And when I yelled for Tyler to help me, the only thing he could say was "I can't! I don't have my phone!" Das arschloch! But all in all, we had so much fun. We must have put in four movies, and watched NONE OF THEM.

That just proves that no matter how sucky life is, you can still have fun with true friends who will try to rape you while you are laying on top of your boyfriend. (Lizz, we were fully clothed, and Tyler had a blanket between us.)

Walking on Air

I'm at Tyler's house, sitting in the office, watching him and his friend Timmy play those stupid out-dated Yu-Gi-Oh bullshit cards. I'm listening to German rap, hell yeah Samy Deluxe. They are looking at me weirdly as I type. Timmy says that Blogger is bullshit, and you know what? I love to blog. I don't know why. Only one person reads it. HEY LIZZ!

Yeah, and I told Tyler that this chick in Denmark (the country), thinks that he is cute, and he doesn't know what to think about that. Hey Lui! Lol. I think that he is creeped out, just a bit.

I was watching Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion last night. I used to like, love that movie, now that I watch it, I thought that it was really stupid. It wasn't as awesome as I remember. I guess that that is proof that I am changed. You know? I hate how you don't realize that you are different. My friends don't know how I was before they met me, so they haven't been able to tell me about how I was. But I know how changed I am. I'm not as sullen as I was. I love how happy I've been this year. I have met the greatest guy like, ever and well...I guess that's it. I have Tyler, and some really cool friends. I have met some really awesome people this year, mainly in Europe, but a few pretty awesome people in my own country. I feel like I am walking on air. . .

I love that song by Kerli. "Walking on Air", is just how I feel right now.

How is your weekend going, Lizz?

Pictures that make ME happy!

Since Lizz has sparked this thought...I'm going to follow in suite with pictures that make me happy!

This one is self-explainitory! It's Shin, with a panda on his head! Shin makes me happy just by being Shin, and pandas are just plain cute!

This one just makes me smile, no matter what. Shin is just so awesome! I love his outfit!

This one is just so funny, it kills me. Strify is using his pimp cane to teach an innocent Shin a lesson. And the funny thing is, Shin's not fighting back, and Kiro is just ignoring them.

Something about Strify holding an obsenely large gun is just hilarious.

Long Weekend Ahead.

Well, it's Memorial Day Weekend, and I don't have school until Tuesday. I might not post this weekend, but I will try! I will be at my boyfriend's house. Heehee. Yep.

Moving on. Moving on. . .

I don't know what this Summer will bring, but I hope that it isn't anything like last Summer. That was when I found out about Elaine. My dad's whore. Yep. My dad cheated on my mom with another woman, then had the balls to try to bring her to North Carolina, where I was staying. Oh, and he moved her into the house. With my mom. With my mom knowing about them. You can say that I have a lot of resentment towards my father. And I do. Just like the German poem I just posted. It means "I do not need you". And I don't. I don't need him anymore. I am seventeen. An adult. I don't want him to control me anymore, nor do I want him to forget who I am. His daughter. His family.

But, yeah...

I feel accomplished. I wrote something in German, and it all came out just the way I intended it to. Yay me!

So, Lizz. What's new with you? This is a really cool way of communicating, don't you think? I mean, who else is reading?

Ich brauche dich nicht.

Ich brauche nichts von dich, Vater.
Ich sorge mich nicht.
Verlassen mich allein.
Ich brauche dich nicht.

Ich war alleine alle mein leben.
Schreien Sie für mich nicht.
Ich bin hier, aber bin ich allein.
Lass mich allein sein.

Das Frau ich war,
ist lang gestorben, jetzt.
Und ich sorge mich nicht.
Ich weg flog.

Ich kann allein sein,
Und sorge nicht.
Ich liebe dich, Vater,
und für immer, ich wille.

Aber ich brauche dich nicht.
Du bist mein Vater,
und ich bin ihr Kind.
Hab du vergessen mich?

Vater,
bitte vergesse mich nicht.
Ich liebe dich,
Aber, ich brauche dich nicht.

I wrote this today at lunch. I even translated it to English. I wonder if I should post it...

Tears in Vegas

I don't know where I can find myself,  my mind is in Jersey, my heart is in Germany, but my body is in South Carolina. I'm a scattered. I'm random. I'm funny. I'm freaky, creepy, cool, cocky, stupid, silly, special - And a whole bunch more ad-what ever they are!

"Tears in Vegas, tears in Vegas, who can save us? We're all toys..."

I love that song... but anyway...
You're too ashamed to tell him how you feel...

Why am I randomly doing that?

Tears in Vegas, tears in Vegas, who can save us? We're all toys, boys and girls - *slaps self*

STOP THAT!

I love convincing people that I am more than one person.... and it always works! That's why I have so many friends. Hehehe. Why do your parents want you to take Spanish, Lizz. My mom hates Spanish. I love German. Russian reminds me of math, and it sounds weird. I might try Estonian....

Lizz,

I've been thinking Germany. I love the idea of a different country. I'm learning everything I can about Germany. Or maybe Ireland? Scotland? England? Denmark? France? Somewhere in Europe.

I forgot to mention movies. I love movies. Anything will do, just so long as it doesn't include Mel Gibson, Miley Cyrus, or Paris Hilton. Horror! Yeah! I love the Rob Zombie movies. Halloween I and Halloween II, were just EPIC. I don't really care what it is, just so long as it can keep my attention. And being ADHD, that's really hard to do. I thought that The Grudge was genius, and that Shutter was amazing. The Eye and Mirrors was okay.

Comedy. I live for it. I love the Jona Hill and Seth Rogan movies. Katherine Heigel and Russell Brand, as well. I love Zack and Miri Make a Porno! That was so funny. Land of the Lost was okay, though Will Ferrel, as funny as he is, is a real asshole. I also thought that Step Brothers was hysterical!

Romance movies can kiss my ass. No one falls in love that way anymore. That's what we have E-Harmony for! Heehee. I only watch romances to heckel the movie the entire time! I once tried to watch Made of Honor and walked out twenty minutes into it, leaving my sister to suffer. I said "Fuck that! I want some Sonic!"

I think that is odd that we are using our blogs to write letters. I do have an E-Mail. It's on my profile.

What do you think of my blog, anyway?

No one's gonna catch me...

I have tripped. And I have stumbled. And every time I did, someone was there to help me up. They dusted me off, and sent me along. But that was back when my life made sense, and Daddy still loved Mommy, and Ruth was too young to open her mouth, and Mina was still my older sister.

Every thing is different. It's all changed. I can't see the world in front of me anymore. I don't know where I am going! I can't see anything past the forest. There is no sun, there are no clouds, there is no light. I can't see my life. I trip and I stumble and I fall and I fall and I fall...I call out for help. I call for a hand. I weep alone in the darkness, not seeing who is there or where I am. I try to stand, and when I do, I fall again. Harder. I know that if I stand, I'll fall, and if I stay, I fail. But when I know that no one's going to catch me when I fall, why should I even bother standing?

Danke!

Thanks, Lizz. By the way, if you look on your Dashboard, there is some kind of widget that you can use to follow my blog. Haha. And my dad is like a mondo betch about my German. He doesn't like me using German because it's a "rude language" and some stupid shit like that, but I do it anyway. He replies when I call him "Vater" which means "Father". So, yeah.

How far is too far?

Okay, so I'm in school, right now. I was walking into my third block class, which is English. I walk in about two minutes before class actually starts. And as I'm walking in, there is this guy, whose name I will not disclose on this blog, and he was dancing around with this other girl. And when I walked in, they stopped, looked at me, and started back again, except they kept getting closer and closer to me, until BAM! They knocked into me, the boy's massive shoulder pushing me backwards into the wall and I fell down against the door. Where was the teacher? She was outside of the classroom, just out of eye-shot. She didn't know that anything had happened until I went tearing out of the room, and threw my fist into a locker as I walked down the hall. Another teacher, who was with my teacher found my all the way at the end of the hall. She took me to the principal, and I told him what happened, and all he could talk about was my poor grade in English. Nothing is going to be done for this. Not a dammed thing!

And I ask, how far is too far?

When someone is bullied, how much can they take before they snap? How far will a bully go until their victim breaks?

Everyday, all around the world, someone, somewhere, is being tormented and bullied. And it needs to stop! Don't let something get out of hand. Stop it. If you see someone getting bullied, help them. No one helped me. They all laughed and encouraged me to hit him. Don't let it continue.

A bit about me...

Life is moving so fast. My friends will all be Seniors next year, and I will be a Junior, again. But that's my fault. I just know that I am stuck. And I'm happy about that. I know that I can un-stick myself whenever I want.

Anyway. Enough of that useless blather.

To Lizz:

I'm just a Junior, in Conway, High School, in Conway, South Carolina. Conway is a small town as well. I only know one person who lurves Cinema Bizarre as much as I do. And she's the reason why I luuuurve them. Tokio Hotel is Thema Nr. 1, in my head, though Cinema Bizarre has taken over. Tokio Hotel is now Thema Nr. 2. They change places, depending on my mood.

German is my passion. I've used my whole year in school, learning it. And we don't have German! I know a lot of it too. My dad even got me a little dictionary and a German Grammar book. I use German to my advantage too. I cuss (I hate the phrase "Cursed you out") people out in German all the time. And only once, have I been scolded for it. My old librarian is German, she was amazed and appalled at what I knew. I called this girl "ein sehr hässlich Schlampe", which means "a very ugly slut". Then I called another girl a whore, which is "Hure". Then, when Stephanie kept saying "Ugh, Ich bin dick", which means "I am fat", I yelled back at her, "NEIN! Du bist nicht! Ich bin, aber du bist nicht!" and she said that I was correct in what I said. Haha.

Anyway...yeah. I'm really 17, I spoofed my age a bit. Hehe. I have two sisters, I am the middle child. My older sister is 20 (She is exactly a week younger than Bill and Tom Kaulitz, and Gustav is exactly a year older than her), and my little sister is 14.

Shin is my favorite member of Cinema Bizarre, and Romeo is my least favorite. I miss the days when Luminor played in the band. But, I'm getting used to Romeo, and the band has broken up! Heehee. I love Kiro and Strify too. But Shin is the coolest. He's the youngest, and he's awesome.

Georg is my fave Tokio Hotel member, and Gustav is my second fave. Bill and Tom aren't the only ones in the band!

I also love The Rasmus, Kerli, Rammstein, Die Killerpilze, Die Toten Hosen, LaFee, Wizo, Samy Deluxe, Green Day, The Higher (I blogged about them),Good Charlotte, The Used, Linkin Park, and My Chemical Romance.

Some bands that I listen to, but don't call myself a fan of: Black Veil Brides, Escape the Fate, Nena, HIM, The 69 Eyes, Apocalyptica, and there are more, but I can't think of them right now.

I love to write. Poetry, stories, essays, whatever. I love writing fan fictions. Mainly on Tokio Hotel. I haven't come up with a proper idea to write about for Cinema Bizarre, yet. My poetry tends to terrify people...I might post some of it when I have time. I have one posted here, called "You Lied".

I love random things. I say random things all the time. People are always laughing when they are around me.

I used to cut myself. My arms are covered in scars and shit. I hated it then, but I'm learning to live with it.

I'm going stop here...class is almost over, and I'm wasting your time...