Awesome Weekend.

Okay, so the weekend is drawing to an abrupt stop, and I must say, I am rather upset about that. I don't want the time of my life to be over so soon. I got to spend time with Tyler,and Timmy. I was upset that I had to leave, but I was so elated to find that Tyler was coming with me to stay. For a night. And when I got home, my best friend Amber, who has given me her permission to use her name on this blog, was here, at my house! And I was so unbelievably happy! And she got to stay the night with me too!

We had so much fun. I moved my mattress out into the living room, and we all stayed out there. And Amber kept trying to rape me! And when I yelled for Tyler to help me, the only thing he could say was "I can't! I don't have my phone!" Das arschloch! But all in all, we had so much fun. We must have put in four movies, and watched NONE OF THEM.

That just proves that no matter how sucky life is, you can still have fun with true friends who will try to rape you while you are laying on top of your boyfriend. (Lizz, we were fully clothed, and Tyler had a blanket between us.)

Walking on Air

I'm at Tyler's house, sitting in the office, watching him and his friend Timmy play those stupid out-dated Yu-Gi-Oh bullshit cards. I'm listening to German rap, hell yeah Samy Deluxe. They are looking at me weirdly as I type. Timmy says that Blogger is bullshit, and you know what? I love to blog. I don't know why. Only one person reads it. HEY LIZZ!

Yeah, and I told Tyler that this chick in Denmark (the country), thinks that he is cute, and he doesn't know what to think about that. Hey Lui! Lol. I think that he is creeped out, just a bit.

I was watching Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion last night. I used to like, love that movie, now that I watch it, I thought that it was really stupid. It wasn't as awesome as I remember. I guess that that is proof that I am changed. You know? I hate how you don't realize that you are different. My friends don't know how I was before they met me, so they haven't been able to tell me about how I was. But I know how changed I am. I'm not as sullen as I was. I love how happy I've been this year. I have met the greatest guy like, ever and well...I guess that's it. I have Tyler, and some really cool friends. I have met some really awesome people this year, mainly in Europe, but a few pretty awesome people in my own country. I feel like I am walking on air. . .

I love that song by Kerli. "Walking on Air", is just how I feel right now.

How is your weekend going, Lizz?

Pictures that make ME happy!

Since Lizz has sparked this thought...I'm going to follow in suite with pictures that make me happy!

This one is self-explainitory! It's Shin, with a panda on his head! Shin makes me happy just by being Shin, and pandas are just plain cute!

This one just makes me smile, no matter what. Shin is just so awesome! I love his outfit!

This one is just so funny, it kills me. Strify is using his pimp cane to teach an innocent Shin a lesson. And the funny thing is, Shin's not fighting back, and Kiro is just ignoring them.

Something about Strify holding an obsenely large gun is just hilarious.

Long Weekend Ahead.

Well, it's Memorial Day Weekend, and I don't have school until Tuesday. I might not post this weekend, but I will try! I will be at my boyfriend's house. Heehee. Yep.

Moving on. Moving on. . .

I don't know what this Summer will bring, but I hope that it isn't anything like last Summer. That was when I found out about Elaine. My dad's whore. Yep. My dad cheated on my mom with another woman, then had the balls to try to bring her to North Carolina, where I was staying. Oh, and he moved her into the house. With my mom. With my mom knowing about them. You can say that I have a lot of resentment towards my father. And I do. Just like the German poem I just posted. It means "I do not need you". And I don't. I don't need him anymore. I am seventeen. An adult. I don't want him to control me anymore, nor do I want him to forget who I am. His daughter. His family.

But, yeah...

I feel accomplished. I wrote something in German, and it all came out just the way I intended it to. Yay me!

So, Lizz. What's new with you? This is a really cool way of communicating, don't you think? I mean, who else is reading?

Ich brauche dich nicht.

Ich brauche nichts von dich, Vater.
Ich sorge mich nicht.
Verlassen mich allein.
Ich brauche dich nicht.

Ich war alleine alle mein leben.
Schreien Sie für mich nicht.
Ich bin hier, aber bin ich allein.
Lass mich allein sein.

Das Frau ich war,
ist lang gestorben, jetzt.
Und ich sorge mich nicht.
Ich weg flog.

Ich kann allein sein,
Und sorge nicht.
Ich liebe dich, Vater,
und für immer, ich wille.

Aber ich brauche dich nicht.
Du bist mein Vater,
und ich bin ihr Kind.
Hab du vergessen mich?

Vater,
bitte vergesse mich nicht.
Ich liebe dich,
Aber, ich brauche dich nicht.

I wrote this today at lunch. I even translated it to English. I wonder if I should post it...

Tears in Vegas

I don't know where I can find myself,  my mind is in Jersey, my heart is in Germany, but my body is in South Carolina. I'm a scattered. I'm random. I'm funny. I'm freaky, creepy, cool, cocky, stupid, silly, special - And a whole bunch more ad-what ever they are!

"Tears in Vegas, tears in Vegas, who can save us? We're all toys..."

I love that song... but anyway...
You're too ashamed to tell him how you feel...

Why am I randomly doing that?

Tears in Vegas, tears in Vegas, who can save us? We're all toys, boys and girls - *slaps self*

STOP THAT!

I love convincing people that I am more than one person.... and it always works! That's why I have so many friends. Hehehe. Why do your parents want you to take Spanish, Lizz. My mom hates Spanish. I love German. Russian reminds me of math, and it sounds weird. I might try Estonian....

Lizz,

I've been thinking Germany. I love the idea of a different country. I'm learning everything I can about Germany. Or maybe Ireland? Scotland? England? Denmark? France? Somewhere in Europe.

I forgot to mention movies. I love movies. Anything will do, just so long as it doesn't include Mel Gibson, Miley Cyrus, or Paris Hilton. Horror! Yeah! I love the Rob Zombie movies. Halloween I and Halloween II, were just EPIC. I don't really care what it is, just so long as it can keep my attention. And being ADHD, that's really hard to do. I thought that The Grudge was genius, and that Shutter was amazing. The Eye and Mirrors was okay.

Comedy. I live for it. I love the Jona Hill and Seth Rogan movies. Katherine Heigel and Russell Brand, as well. I love Zack and Miri Make a Porno! That was so funny. Land of the Lost was okay, though Will Ferrel, as funny as he is, is a real asshole. I also thought that Step Brothers was hysterical!

Romance movies can kiss my ass. No one falls in love that way anymore. That's what we have E-Harmony for! Heehee. I only watch romances to heckel the movie the entire time! I once tried to watch Made of Honor and walked out twenty minutes into it, leaving my sister to suffer. I said "Fuck that! I want some Sonic!"

I think that is odd that we are using our blogs to write letters. I do have an E-Mail. It's on my profile.

What do you think of my blog, anyway?

No one's gonna catch me...

I have tripped. And I have stumbled. And every time I did, someone was there to help me up. They dusted me off, and sent me along. But that was back when my life made sense, and Daddy still loved Mommy, and Ruth was too young to open her mouth, and Mina was still my older sister.

Every thing is different. It's all changed. I can't see the world in front of me anymore. I don't know where I am going! I can't see anything past the forest. There is no sun, there are no clouds, there is no light. I can't see my life. I trip and I stumble and I fall and I fall and I fall...I call out for help. I call for a hand. I weep alone in the darkness, not seeing who is there or where I am. I try to stand, and when I do, I fall again. Harder. I know that if I stand, I'll fall, and if I stay, I fail. But when I know that no one's going to catch me when I fall, why should I even bother standing?

Danke!

Thanks, Lizz. By the way, if you look on your Dashboard, there is some kind of widget that you can use to follow my blog. Haha. And my dad is like a mondo betch about my German. He doesn't like me using German because it's a "rude language" and some stupid shit like that, but I do it anyway. He replies when I call him "Vater" which means "Father". So, yeah.

How far is too far?

Okay, so I'm in school, right now. I was walking into my third block class, which is English. I walk in about two minutes before class actually starts. And as I'm walking in, there is this guy, whose name I will not disclose on this blog, and he was dancing around with this other girl. And when I walked in, they stopped, looked at me, and started back again, except they kept getting closer and closer to me, until BAM! They knocked into me, the boy's massive shoulder pushing me backwards into the wall and I fell down against the door. Where was the teacher? She was outside of the classroom, just out of eye-shot. She didn't know that anything had happened until I went tearing out of the room, and threw my fist into a locker as I walked down the hall. Another teacher, who was with my teacher found my all the way at the end of the hall. She took me to the principal, and I told him what happened, and all he could talk about was my poor grade in English. Nothing is going to be done for this. Not a dammed thing!

And I ask, how far is too far?

When someone is bullied, how much can they take before they snap? How far will a bully go until their victim breaks?

Everyday, all around the world, someone, somewhere, is being tormented and bullied. And it needs to stop! Don't let something get out of hand. Stop it. If you see someone getting bullied, help them. No one helped me. They all laughed and encouraged me to hit him. Don't let it continue.

A bit about me...

Life is moving so fast. My friends will all be Seniors next year, and I will be a Junior, again. But that's my fault. I just know that I am stuck. And I'm happy about that. I know that I can un-stick myself whenever I want.

Anyway. Enough of that useless blather.

To Lizz:

I'm just a Junior, in Conway, High School, in Conway, South Carolina. Conway is a small town as well. I only know one person who lurves Cinema Bizarre as much as I do. And she's the reason why I luuuurve them. Tokio Hotel is Thema Nr. 1, in my head, though Cinema Bizarre has taken over. Tokio Hotel is now Thema Nr. 2. They change places, depending on my mood.

German is my passion. I've used my whole year in school, learning it. And we don't have German! I know a lot of it too. My dad even got me a little dictionary and a German Grammar book. I use German to my advantage too. I cuss (I hate the phrase "Cursed you out") people out in German all the time. And only once, have I been scolded for it. My old librarian is German, she was amazed and appalled at what I knew. I called this girl "ein sehr hässlich Schlampe", which means "a very ugly slut". Then I called another girl a whore, which is "Hure". Then, when Stephanie kept saying "Ugh, Ich bin dick", which means "I am fat", I yelled back at her, "NEIN! Du bist nicht! Ich bin, aber du bist nicht!" and she said that I was correct in what I said. Haha.

Anyway...yeah. I'm really 17, I spoofed my age a bit. Hehe. I have two sisters, I am the middle child. My older sister is 20 (She is exactly a week younger than Bill and Tom Kaulitz, and Gustav is exactly a year older than her), and my little sister is 14.

Shin is my favorite member of Cinema Bizarre, and Romeo is my least favorite. I miss the days when Luminor played in the band. But, I'm getting used to Romeo, and the band has broken up! Heehee. I love Kiro and Strify too. But Shin is the coolest. He's the youngest, and he's awesome.

Georg is my fave Tokio Hotel member, and Gustav is my second fave. Bill and Tom aren't the only ones in the band!

I also love The Rasmus, Kerli, Rammstein, Die Killerpilze, Die Toten Hosen, LaFee, Wizo, Samy Deluxe, Green Day, The Higher (I blogged about them),Good Charlotte, The Used, Linkin Park, and My Chemical Romance.

Some bands that I listen to, but don't call myself a fan of: Black Veil Brides, Escape the Fate, Nena, HIM, The 69 Eyes, Apocalyptica, and there are more, but I can't think of them right now.

I love to write. Poetry, stories, essays, whatever. I love writing fan fictions. Mainly on Tokio Hotel. I haven't come up with a proper idea to write about for Cinema Bizarre, yet. My poetry tends to terrify people...I might post some of it when I have time. I have one posted here, called "You Lied".

I love random things. I say random things all the time. People are always laughing when they are around me.

I used to cut myself. My arms are covered in scars and shit. I hated it then, but I'm learning to live with it.

I'm going stop here...class is almost over, and I'm wasting your time...

Small Town, Big Dreams

I hate living in South Carolina. It's hell. There is nothing to do, no one to see, and no where to go. The only thing that you can do is dream. And if you're lucky, you'll escape. That's the thing about small towns. They suck you in with comfortability and false charms. It makes me sick. I talk to people, older people, and they tell me about how they had dreams of leaving town, and doing something. And when I asked them what happened, they tell me that they didn't have the heart to leave what they knew behind.

How can anyone shove themselves into a box? Especially one as small as Conway? I think that it is a sad day when dreams die. I believe that the person holding that dream dies a little bit too. It's heart wrenching. And they try to do the same thing to me, but I will not fall victim to their vacuum of soul stealing evilness. I will go to Germany and live whatever dream that spawns there. I don't want to end up like my mother and Grandmother. And I will not enter the military, like my father. I will not have my soul stolen too! The government can't have that, either.

Anyone with me?

I'm done.

You know what? Fuck it. I need to move on. Live away from the man I used to call my father. Let him figure out what he's missing. I don't care anymore. I don't want my life to revolve around him...and it won't. The moment that I have learned enough German, I'M HIGH TAILING TO GERMANY.

Sick and tired of being alive. Sick and tired of watching fake ass people, with their fake ass smiles, enter and exit my life. Sick and tired of letting them hurt me. I don't know why I can't just walk away. My feet are glued to the floor. I can feel their wicked words slap me in the face and stab my heart.

Heart Thoughts

I don't know how much more I can take. I can't even begin to describe what my heart is trying to tell me. I know that it is screaming at me...and I can hear it shouting...but I don't know how to get the words out. I'm ready to throw up everything, just to get it out of my chest.

My mom is starting to drive me insane. She won't quit griping at me. I'm trying to help her out as much as I can, but when I do something wrong, she pulls the "You-don't-get-to-see-Tyler" card, knowing that I can't stand that. I am seventeen! I can leave, you know.

I've already posted enough about my fucking Father, so I'll move the fuck on.

I love all of my friends, and I am afraid that I am going to hurt them somehow. I don't know what to do about that...I know that if I ignore them, I'll be the one in pain, but is it worth it?

I want to be the perfect everything for everybody, but it's TEARING me apart! I want to do good in school, I want to go to college, I want to be the perfect girlfriend, daughter, friend, sister...it's ripping my soul every which way and I can't reach the soul shards!

My arms are beginning to twitch and crawl, and I know what that means. Those urges are coming back. And I can hear the razors call to me from the bathroom. And I really, really, really want to cut myself again. But who will I hurt, if not myself? I know that I will scar myself more, but with all this extra weight on my heart, how else can I release the pain?

The pen and paper have all but fail me. I cannot bring myself to write it out like I used to. And if I can't write, I can't heal, and I can't resist the urge to hurt myself. What the fuck am I to do? My heart is pulling me in two different directions, and I don't know which one to follow...

I'm trying to love you, but you are making it so hard.

I don't know how to make you happy. No matter how hard I try, it all ends up to be a wasted effort. I can't win when you are around. I can't be the daughter that you want. I don't know how to be this illusion, this delusion, that you keep trying to force me to be. I can only be who I am.

I fuck up. Everyone does. But, every time I do, you make my life hell. You exacerbate every teeny-tiny little thing into something huge, and the only thing that I have done was forget to wash a fork.

I'm not that damn smart. No one can be a part-time student, with a part-time job, Dad. You only go to school for one day out of the whole week! I go five days a week, for eight hours. It sucks. You didn't go to public school. You got to see your teachers every goddamn day! You didn't have to worry about much. Times have fucking changed, asshole. I can't make the straight goddamn A's that you want! I can't.

I'm different, get the fuck over it! I don't want to be a "normal child"! It's stupid, and pointless for you to even try. I hate it when you compare me to everyone else. I don't want to wear your preppy clothes. I'm happy with my Tokio Hotel and Marilyn Manson shirts, and ripped jeans. I want to wear my spiked collar and choke chain. Stop trying to make me into your doll!

Dad, why do you make it so hard on yourself? I want to love you, and I want to respect you, but you make it so fucking hard, you know? You give me reason to hate you everyday. Don't you know what you are doing to me? No? Oh, that's right, you love your other, better, daughters more than me. And one of these days, you are going to succeed in getting rid of me, and when you do, I will not be coming back. I won't look at you ever again. Can you live with that, Dad? Can you really?

By the way, I hate you.

I will find a way.

Right now, my life is not what I want it to be. I never wanted my father to cheat on my mother, nor did I want her in my house. I never wanted to fight with my father. I never wanted to hurt my mother. And I didn't want to make my sister cry, but I have, and what's done is done. I can't change anything that is out of my control. I learned my lesson ages ago. I have scars because of it, and I don't regret it. But I know that someday, I will find a way to live far from the ones that I have harmed. I know that they will be happier if I were to leave. My dad acts like he can't wait until I'm gone. So one day, someday soon, I will leave, and...

find a way...

I don't care. Point blank.

I could sit here, at this computer, and pretend that someone is actually reading this shit. I could pretend that someone is actually interested in my thoughts, or what I think about things. I really could. But you know what? I don't post for other people. To me, blogging is a lot better than posting videos of oneself on Youtube looking like a fool. I can think about what I am saying, without consequences.

I don't care about being liked, or being fucking popular. I hate the way society puts emphasis on beauty and popularity. It's like, you have to be "beautiful" in order to be liked. In my opinion, that's the way a person can get killed. People kill to be pretty, and they will plow over anyone who gets in their way.

And I don't care about age. I don't care how old I get, and what I'll look like when I get there. I like myself the way I am, yes, I have somethings I'd like to change, but that doesn't mean I'm going to spend thousands of dollars on hoaxy creams and oils that will knock out some wrinkles. I'm seventeen, for fuck's sake! The only thing I need to worry about is making it to age forty! But, everyday, I am forced to watch girls my age, pile on make-up, pounds of it at a time! And for what? To get some guy to notice them, because they look older? No! You look like a hoe. Girls my age could spend their money on better things, more useful things. And women my mom's age are focused on looking like their teenage daughters again. Just so the guy at work who is a year younger than her will look at her. It's fucking pathetic.

I could give two fucks less about what I say. If it offends you, oh fucking well. If you don't understand what I said, don't argue! If you don't believe in what it is I am saying, stop listening and stop trying to argue! It's not going to work! I won't shut my mouth because I hurt you feelings, or offended your beliefs. If someone isn't going to listen and respect my beliefs, then why should I show the same courtesy? I don't find it necessary. I find it pointless. Just sit down, shut up, and listen to someone else for a change!

And I really don't give a fuck about bands. Yes, I have my favorites, but that doesn't impress me. The music does. I don't care if a certain band has the "hottest" bassist. Not even. If a guy came up to me and told me that he was in a band, I would ask "Is the music any good?". And if it isn't, I don't poison my ears with it, nor do I waste my time with them. A person could be the hottest person alive, but if they can't keep a tune, or if the band can't keep play, I won't bother. Music is the only thing that matters. Not the band. I guarantee that if a new band came into the scene, and they were all considered "Ugly", by society's judgment, no one would listen to them! They could have the most kick ass lyrics, hard core guitarist and bass player, and an awesome drummer, and yet, no one would care! Now that's just stupid.

Now, I know that you don't care about what I don't care about, and I don't care. It's my blog, and you can leave it at any time. But right now, I'm done.

Here's the thing

Okay, so here's the deal. A group of idiotic protesters called the Westboro Baptist "Church" are coming to my school. They aren't allowed on the grounds, but they will be on the sidewalk just off the property line, on the sidewalk. The school can't stop them, because it is their constitutional right to protest. There will be some other protesters across the street, protesting against the Westboro people. 

Now, what are they protesting? Everything. These people, hate everything and claim that "God" hates everyone but them. They are Anti-Sweds, Anti-gay, Anti-military, Anti-Jewish, Anti-Catholic, basically, everything. They picket funerals for dead soldiers! That's just wrong! If I could, I would be there with the counter protesters, with day old eggs that were set out in the hot sun, and throw them at them. But I can't. They are protesting on a major highway and I could run the risk of hitting a cop.

Look at these idiots!
Westboro Baptist Church

I don't think that I will be at school that day, which will be tomorrow. People will be babbling non-stop about these people, and I can't afford another strike. I do have a temper, and the last time I was in trouble, it was for shredding a Bible. I don't know if anyone here, at my school, supports these maniacs, but if there are, I feel bad for them. And I believe that at the next "church" meeting, someone ought to spike the punch. But that's just me. And that's just me using MY right to free effing speech. I really, REALLY, hope that these idiots get pegged in the face, and I'll shake the hands of the one who does it. You know, these people have a fuck-ton of lawyers in their "church" and they have a professional camera crew go with them to every demonstration, just to ensure their safety. These fuck-nuts are smart. They'll sue anyone who they feel disparages their rights. 

I'm tired of talking about these people. They are nothing to me, and I doubt anyone will hear their message over the MORNING TRAFFIC! Ha! They are protesting on a MAJOR HIGHWAY! Numb-nuts. Anyway, I'm getting bored with this post...so, later.

We need CHANGE.

I meet people from all over the world. I love to talk to people from other countries, and I like getting to know people. The internet is my home. I am constantly prowling the Tokio Hotel forum. There is one person on there that I talk to all the time. Her name is Lui, and she is from Denmark, but currently staying in Germany. I can talk to her about a lot of things, and I can trust her with a lot. Even though we are oceans apart, we can still be friends. 

I find it hard to believe that people find it easy to hate people. Just because they are from another country, or their skin isn't the same color as theirs, or even if they speak a different language. Sometimes, I like to pretend that I don't speak English, only German, just to see what people do. And the responses are never pretty. I only know a few people who can actually tolerate other people. And that is sad. This country, my country, "America", was supposed to be built on the idea of freedom. But I don't see it. I have seen more freedom on T.V. than in real life. I can't even watch the local news without crying. We need change. Something has to be done. 

If you were to ask me if I loved my country, I would say "No". When I say this, people go off the deep end about it. When I ask them if they love their country, they say "Yes". But when I ask them "Why do you love your country?" they don't know what to say. I don't love my country because, I can't live in a country that stopped caring long ago. I find that the war is pointless now. I can't live in a country whose supposedly "strong leader" doesn't know what the real issues are. Who cares about the health reform? What about a sturdier justice system, a better government, human rights, immigration rights? Where is the freedom that was promised to me? Why can't I have a drink, yet I can die for my country at such a young age? Why can't I walk to the store without getting stabbed?

People ask me "Why don't you stand for the Pledge?" 
And I say "I stand up for what I believe in, and sit down for what I don't, therefore, I sit down for my country."

 Thanks for reading this rant. I hope Lui is reading it! I love you, bestie! 

Ripped into shreds, and here I stand

Okay, so a few months ago, these dudes with Bibles, FUCKING BIBLES, show up at my PUBLIC school, right? Now, they weren't handing them out. They had them on tables for people to take. Some people took five or six at a time, and started forcing them into peoples hands. One of those people was me. I'm standing there thinking "Wow, this bitch must be stupid." And yet, she keeps pressing it in my face. She kept saying "You need to read this, I mean, you really need to read this!" I looked at her with total hatred, and she still didn't back off. 

So, I kindly took the little Bible from her, smiled, opened it, and started ripping out pages and throwing them in her face. I did this three times, and said "Now, you read it." And you know what? I got suspended for a day because of it! I have my "Constitutional" right to have a freedom of religion, and speech. What did I do so wrong?

When I returned to school, all the Bible thumpers got pissy with me, and started harassing me. Someone threw a Bible at me, and got pissed when I kicked it across the room!

How fucked up is that shit? 

Leave me alone.

I want you to know that you didn't hurt me. You didn't faze me at all. I am unharmed. My words are just as strong as your fist. And my will is stronger. You knew exactly what to do, what to say, and how to hurt me. You knew that I would stay, if I believed that there was no one else. But let me tell you. I found someone new. He is everything I wanted, and nothing you'll ever be. Raise your fist, light your joint, drink your beer...I don't care. I am not here for you anymore. I will not be there to catch you when you fall. You have burned your bridges with me, and that is really hard to do with me. You said that you loved me, and I believed your lies and loved you back. You knocked the love right out of me with your demon fists. I just want to let you know that...I didn't shed a single tear over you. You did this to yourself, and I hope you rot. I hope you die young and alone.


Good-bye,
You fucking asshole.
Ich hasse dich.
Jeremiah Tate Morgan. 
Drop dead.

You lied.

I screamed for you.

I wanted you to be there.

You never came.

You lied to me.

When you said you loved me, I cried.

When you said that you loved me, you lied.

I hate how I believed you.

I thought that it was real.

I saw you with them.

You said you'd never go back.

You lied. You lied. You lied.

I cried myself to sleep.

You said that you would never hurt me.

You lied.

My face is bruised. My face is stained with tears.

And it is all because, you lied.

5-19-10

I wrote this at random. I don't know why...it just poured from my mind to the keyboard.

Sehr glücklich!

It's been a while since I last posted. It's not a real loss, I don't think, seeing as no one else reads this. Things are getting better...I hope. My dad hasn't been around that woman, lately. My mother has mellowed out a lot. I am still with the same young man, his name is Tyler. We have been together for four months, and I am happy about that. We even went to prom together. It wasn't what I thought it would be...but it was alright. I am losing my best friend...I do not know what I did to her, but all I can say is...What ever. I don't care. I lose friends all the time, I'm used to it. 

My dog died a few weeks ago. Her name was Lyra Jean, and she was a chihuahua/pug mix. She had contracted parvovirus and died. She held on long enough for me to get home. I was staying at my boyfriend's house for the weekend, like I do every weekend, and had no clue. It was upsetting, I cried for hours and hours. I threw up from crying so much. I was screaming at the top of my lungs. It was awful. My mom had to sedate me with sleeping pills, I took four and didn't go to school the next day, which was a Monday.

I got drunk last week. It was the best I had felt in a while. Until I got caught...didn't matter to me, though. I was happy at last.