Heart Thoughts

I don't know how much more I can take. I can't even begin to describe what my heart is trying to tell me. I know that it is screaming at me...and I can hear it shouting...but I don't know how to get the words out. I'm ready to throw up everything, just to get it out of my chest.

My mom is starting to drive me insane. She won't quit griping at me. I'm trying to help her out as much as I can, but when I do something wrong, she pulls the "You-don't-get-to-see-Tyler" card, knowing that I can't stand that. I am seventeen! I can leave, you know.

I've already posted enough about my fucking Father, so I'll move the fuck on.

I love all of my friends, and I am afraid that I am going to hurt them somehow. I don't know what to do about that...I know that if I ignore them, I'll be the one in pain, but is it worth it?

I want to be the perfect everything for everybody, but it's TEARING me apart! I want to do good in school, I want to go to college, I want to be the perfect girlfriend, daughter, friend, sister...it's ripping my soul every which way and I can't reach the soul shards!

My arms are beginning to twitch and crawl, and I know what that means. Those urges are coming back. And I can hear the razors call to me from the bathroom. And I really, really, really want to cut myself again. But who will I hurt, if not myself? I know that I will scar myself more, but with all this extra weight on my heart, how else can I release the pain?

The pen and paper have all but fail me. I cannot bring myself to write it out like I used to. And if I can't write, I can't heal, and I can't resist the urge to hurt myself. What the fuck am I to do? My heart is pulling me in two different directions, and I don't know which one to follow...