Scheisse! I've been gone for a while!

I'm sorry for not being online to blog recently. I have been...out of town. My summer is off to a pleasing start. I get to see my boyfriend everyday when I wake up...I get treated like an actual person...and...I don't have to argue with my father about anything. And that's great. I've only been home twice. I'm at home right now, actually. For father's day. Anyway...I'm going to keep this short and sweet.

And Lizz, I'm going to read what I've missed, okay?

I love my friends...but when can I have some me time?

Gah! I am sorry, but my best friend, Amber, is just getting to be a bit...overbaring. I love her to death, but when is it enough? This weekend, I had Tyler over. And Amber kind of...invited herself over to stay. It was fine the first night. My mom and me didn't mind, nor did Tyler. But the second night? My mom said no. Did she listen? No. She stayed anyway.

I was also worked like a fucking dog, all weekend. My mom laid on the couch and directed me to clean this and clean that. I couldn't even sit down for more than FIVE MINUTES WITH MY BOYFRIEND! Once I had, she made me jump up and clean something else. And when I snapped at Amber, she turned to Tyler and said "Well DAMN!" Tyler just looked at her and said, "Don't you see it? She's being worked, she can't even sit down!"

Anyway...saw Splice with Tyler and our other friend, who goes by Chocka. It. Was. AWESOME! Hands down, the best movie I've seen since Tim Buton's Alice and Wonderland.

FREIHEIT! - FREEDOM!

In a few minutes, I will be free for the Summer. YAY! I can't wait. Right now, I am listening to Eminem, (Don't shoot me, he rocks) and waiting for lunch. I'm fucking hungry! I don't know what I'm going to do once it's all over. The last time I got really excited about the end of school, I got searched for DRUGS!

I could explain...but I don't want to. :-D

DER LETZTE TAG!!!

I am proud to say that I am sitting in my last class of the year! Second Block, Learning Strategies. In about an hour, I will be FREEEE! I want to get out of here so bad! You know? I can almost taste the freedom!

My summer seems to be all planned out. Tyler's house the whole way, I guess. :-D I feel like the luckiest little bitch alive!

Gasping...

Have you ever ran a mile, and be out of breath at the end of it. Like, no matter how hard you try to breathe, your lungs won't accept air? I feel like that every fucking day of my life. I don't know what to do about this fucking life. I hate how I have to be. I want to break free, and if I do...maybe I can stop gasping for air.

What the fuck can I do?


By the way, I don't know when I can post again. I might try on Friday. School's out then! Yay.

Lizzie, are you doing okay?

Everyone keeps on fucking asking me that same goddamn question. I hate how I have to repeat myself, everyday. I don't understand why people want me to be so fucking happy. I fucking hate how I can't pull a fucking sad face every now and a-fucking-gain. I'm sick of masking who I am for the sake of others. I want to be who I am, and not the image that everyone else wants. I am not who they think I am. I am the one who can turn like a fucking Pitt Bull in one second's notice. I fucking hate how I have to lie to every-fucking-body around. I'm fucking tired of wearing the stupid clothes that are given to me.

I want to be who I am.

I don't know who that is right now, but I am looking to find out.

Ich bin sehr unglücklich mit mein leben.

I am very unhappy with the way my life is heading. For the most part, anyway. I can't seem to stay in tune with my surroundings. I fear that with all of the people that I have met, and that I have grown so attched to, I will wind up hurting someone in some way. And that's a scary thing! I hate thinking that way, but it's just a simple fact of life. Fears are common, no matter what I do, and where I go. I want to go to Germany. I want to go there and never look back at the ones who have hurt me. And in an earlier post, I stated that when I leave, I'm not going to see my Father again. I meant that I will never visit him, and I don't want him to visit me. That's the bottom line. I don't want anything to do with the man who makes me so unhappy with my life. He has got me stuck in a fantasy world. Every day, I am escaping to another world, just to free myself from what he has to say. And in my little fantasy world, he doesn't exist. He never did.

I guess that I need to listen to Cinema Bizarre's "Forever Or Never" and "Escape to the Stars" more often. Those are the two songs in my life that are really making an effort to help me change. I know that I can. I just have to believe, and I won't fail. But if I don't, then I will know that I tried.

Does that make any sense? Or am I being a whiney bitch.

Staying True.

I've been thinking a lot lately. About myself. I've been wondering where I am going, where I'm headed in this disaster of a life that I've been thrown into, head first. My dad is pulling me one way, and my friends are pulling me the other way, and my heart doesn't know which way to go.

My dad has this vision of me. A normal little girl, who wears pink and preppy, a girl who uses English, and a girl who is obedient to him. But I can't do that! I can't fit his image, I have never wanted to, and I never will. I just can't do it. I love the way I am, and I intend on leaving him as soon as I can. Once I have finished High School, I'm gone. I just hope he comes to his senses before I board that plane. Because if he hasn't, and I get on that plane, I'm never looking back. He won't have me in his life to disappoint him any longer.

My friends love me the way I am, or at least I hope they do. But, I have no problem detaching myself from them at any point. It sucks though. I actually attached feelings to some of these people. I hate it when I do that stupid shit. It makes leaving so much more difficult. And it makes staying so much easier, even if you don't want to stay.

I dunno...

I can't wait until Friday! Because it's not just the weekend. It's the beginning of the weekend. School's out! YAY! I can't wait. But I will miss my friends. Though I'm sure that I'll run into someone at some point. It's a pretty small town...you know? Anyway...I can't wait.

I just wish that I could leave the state like I did last year. I want to go to Cali. I also would love to leave the country. But, the closest I'll come to Germany is standing ankle deep in the ocean.