I actually did something that I have only done once in my whole life...I cleaned my entire room, top to bottom, by myself. I even moved the furniture, all on my own. I seriously wowed my Dad. When I stopped and looked around myself, I realized that my room being clean, signifies a change within myself. I'm changing. I'm leaving everything that used to be me, behind. I mean, I'm not completely different, it's just that I'm no longer the same person I once was. I don't want a messy room anymore. I used to go crazy if my room was cleaned. Childish things don't appeal to me anymore, either. I've seen this. The things that I used to take pleasure in doing don't make me happy anymore.
I'm scared, to be honest. I don't want to change. I want to stay the way I am. I don't think I'm ready to be a fully formed person with ideas and values and morals. I want to be a kid! I don't want this. I'm only seventeen! Make this stop! I know that I should just lay back and accept this fact of life, but I won't do it without a fucking fight! I will never be taken alive.
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I've felt the same way a lot, recently, ever since I started dating and wondering all these weird things, and forcing myself to mature, even a little. I'm still very much a child, but knowing I have to grow up and eventually make the choices and take the responsibilities I'm putting off right now makes me anxious. I feel like if I'm anything like I am now, I'll screw it up entirely, one way or another.
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