I am finally happy.

I have finally found someone who makes me truly happy. I will not give his name, because I do not have his permission to do so on the internet. But I will say that when I am with him, time stands still for a while and I am no longer on this planet. I feel as though my heart is floating on clouds when he touches my skin. When we are apart, time cannot seem to move fast enough. The only thing I have to last me through the week are thoughts of him. I carry his picture deep in me. I clutch his hoodie tight when I am distraught and that seems to help. I cannot see myself living without him. It has only been three weeks, but to us, it feels like so much longer! We can't describe it. He told me that he had a dream, about a year ago, about me, sitting on his couch with him. A year ago, I had no idea of his existence. I recall thinking to myself, "What could that mean?" and as I kept think about it, I realized that, maybe he saw me coming.

The more that I think about the relationship I share with this individual, the more I wonder, "Is this going to last longer than a month?". To me, I think it will. It all depends on him, I guess. The hardest part of our relationship is the restraint I must use in order to not say "I love you." because when I am the one to say it first, the relationship becomes cursed. I am always the one to say it first and when I did, the relationship failed. The last time, the guy struck me when I said that I hated him and that I was no longer in love with him. He said, "You bitch! You lied to me! You said that you fucking loved me, does that mean nothing to you?! Why are you such a cold hearted bitch? You're a whore." And then, he hit me. From then on, I vowed not to say it first. I am dead-set determined not to say it. I hope he understands and I hope he can say it soon. I do not know how much longer I can keep restraint.

I am going to use his favorite color now. He has told me that all of the friends who have met me are saying that I am the "best thing that ever happened to him". I do not know how to take this. I think that I will allow my heart, not my mind, digest this bit of news. I will have to observe my emotions for a while, just to make sure that what I am feeling is real. I will end this post with a quote from one of my favorite Cinema Bizarre songs, may they rest in peace.

I was betrayed. There is no faith. An open sore. I'm in too deep. I can't believe anymore. When you take whats left of me. Reanimate, my trust in faith. Angel in disguise, you save my soul, but you make my heart go blind. My devil's raged inside, just can't let go. 'Cause it feels so right. You make my heart go blind.

Angel in Disguise by Cinema Bizarre.