Finding Myself Once Again

I hate having to keep looking for who I am. I hate losing site of myself. It's like a sick feeling in my heart and I don't know how to control it. I can't seem to find a cure for it either. I have been searching since I was a child. My search has only lead me astray. I feel a rotting in my mind, like a bleeding in brain and I don't know what to do. I want to kill away all the things that I have lost. I want to severe ties to the things I no longer feel an obligation to. I want to change every thing about my soul. I want to fix my broken and shattered life and be whole again. But no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to find a way to do that. No seems to want to help me, no matter how many times I write it on my skin. I carve the words "Hilf mir" in to my scarred flesh and write "Rette mich" on paper with the blood. I feel that if no one will read ink, they will read blood. I don't show anyone though. They have to care enough about me to look. If they don't look, then I severe myself away from them. They do not care, and I do not want to hear their lies tell me that they do. I can't stand anymore of the pain that has been forced upon me. I want to ship it all back. I want to carve it all out and hand it back, bloody in their hands. I want to tear the shards of broken soul out of my mind and drown them in my own poisoned blood. I want to feel the life of the pain that has almost taken my life, leave the depths of my inner spirit, forever. I want the search lights in my mind to polish in and take away the demons that have made my mind a haven for their evil thoughts and actions.

I just want to be me again.