Tired of this feeling...

I am tired of feeling so sick. I want to tell her how I feel. I want to tell her what is really going on inside my mind. I want to tell her what she did wrong. I want her to know that I remember what I have repressed.

Looking back, I can see all the things you did to me. I have fought so hard to forget what I did not want to remember. I fought so hard to get my mind in order. I worked so hard to erase what you did to me from my mind. I came out of it a broken person. Tattered and torn, broken and dying from the parasitic memories eating away at my brain. And you haven't even noticed! I couldn't bring myself to be around you. Hugging you was like bathing in acid or putting on a hornet coat! When you smiled at me when I was eight, I felt a jolt of fear shooting through my body. I could never recall what it was about you that made me so afraid, but now I know. I know what you did to me.

You see, I needed help. After years of breaking my back trying to remember, I found that the only thing that could help, was to hurt myself. Oh yes, I have bled myself dry with thoughts of you. When I went to get help, it only made things worse. I remembered what I had been fighting to forget...


To be continued, when I'm not on the verge of tears. This really happened to me, when I was younger...It's hard for me to discuss, so I am blogging it, instead.